You are viewing [info]brokengirl575's journal

brokengirl575 [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
brokengirl575

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Some Say the End is Near. Some Say We'll See Armageddon Soon. I Certainly Hope We Will. [Jan. 25th, 2008|03:29 pm]
[Current Location |Silence]
[music |Tool]

I'm not sure I can take this today.
link1 comment|post comment

I can't try to hide behind myself anymore, I can't try to reason with the pain and misfortune. [Jan. 17th, 2008|08:37 pm]
[Current Location |Next to the worm at the bottom of the bottle]
[mood |crushedcrushed]
[music |Razor's Edge by Saliva]

I can't do it anymore. Moving to everyone else's pace. Letting them think I'm alright with what is going on. I want it to end. I really do. There's nothing else that can change my mind. Just one thing. And it's absent. I haven't felt this alone in a very long time. What's worse than feeling alone, is that I'm feeling lonely. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just don't want to feel.
linkpost comment

Separated By Sheets When the Curtain Calls You, Speaking on the Themes of Stolen Virtue [Jan. 14th, 2008|01:33 pm]
[Current Location |My Room]
[mood |lethargiclethargic]
[music |Mass Roamntic - The New Pornographers]

What time are you starting this?: 1:35 pm
Name?: Lauren Michele Gross
Nicknames?: Oh man, here we go: Zippo, Fuck-ass, Foxy lady, G-ross, Lala, G-rizzle, G, Laur, CCS (not a pretty story behind that one), Bouncer, Body, Batman, Spiderman, Peter Parker, Junior Master, Owner, Master, Oma, Mom, Dad, Piglet, and many many more. Then there are the ones only my baby is allowed to call me: California, baby, baby-mine, etc.
Date of birth?: 7/3/01
Sex?: Female
Height?: 5'4" going on 6'2"
Eye color?: Grey/Green/Blue
Where were you born?: Danbury
Number of candles on your last birthday cake?: Fairly sure no cake was involved.
Pets?: One ferret - Maddie, two hedgehogs - Hans and Lili, three cats - Ming, Hannah and Musette (aka Tank), one chinchilla - Belle, A ball Python snake - Shane, aaaaand.... I think that's it.
Hair color?: Dirty dirty dirty blonde
Piercings?: two cartilage piercings on my left ear.
Town you live in?: Ridgefield - Home of the assholes
Favorite foods?: Cereal
Ever been to Africa?: Nope
Been toilet papering?: Uh, I think so.
Love someone so much it made you cry?: Yeah
Been in a car accident?: Yup
Croutons or bacon bits?: I dunno.
Favorite day of the week?: Saturday or Sunday, really whenever I get to see my girlfriend.
Favorite restaurant?: None. Maybe Mannen?
Favorite flower?: Uh.... I dunno.
Favorite sport to watch?: I like most sports. Anything from football to the summer and winter olympics.
Favorite drink?: coffee probably.
Favorite ice cream flavor?: I like them all!
Warner Bros. or Disney?: uh....what?
Favorite fast food restaurant?: I'm currently trying to wean myself from anything with more calories than a gallon of ice cream.
Carpet color in your bedroom?: Red with black flecks
How many times did you fail your driver's test?: None! I passed! I actually passed!
Whom did you get your last email from?: My therapist.
Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?: None. I have no credit card. and I wouldn't max it out if I did. However, I like book stores and music stores. I could probably put a dent (if I tried) into my savings account at a guitar shop or something of the likes.
What do you do most often when you are bored?: Play guitar, write stuff or read.
Most annoying thing to say to me?: Uh.... I have no idea what you're asking.
Bedtime?: Never.
Favorite TV show?: Something terrible no doubt. I really don't know. I don't watch enough TV to have any favourite shows.
Last person you went out to dinner with?: Uh.... I don't even know. I don't go out much.
Been out of country?: Yeah. A few times. England, Australia twice, New Zealand, I think that's it.
Believe in magic?: Not at all.
Ford or Chevy?: I dunno.
What are you listening to right now?: *blush* The New Pornographers. It's not porn, it's a band.
Have you ever failed a grade?: Sorta, but they put me through anyway.
If you have, what grade did you fail?: 7th and 8th.
Do you have a crush on someone?: Oh yes!
Do you have a bf/gf?: MMHMM!
If so, what is their name?: Her name is Brittany Noel Spooner, and I love her with all my heart.
How long have you been together?: May fourth 2007 (8 months and ten days to be exact)
What are you wearing right now?: Eval Pants from Hall-Brooke and a gray thermal Converse shirt!
Would you have sex before marriage?: Yeah.
Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers?: Kinda sorta probably.
Are you a virgin?: In what way?
Do you smoke?: Probably more than I should.
Do you drink?: I try not to do that too much. Plus I don't like the taste or burn (depending on what I'm drinking).
Are you ghetto?: Not at all.
Are you a player?: Nope.
What are your favorite colors?: Black, Red and Purple.
What is your favorite animal?: I don't have a favorite animal.
Do you have any birthmarks?: None that I can see....
Have you ever gotten your ass kicked?: Only once.
Who do you talk to most on the phone?: My Beautiful Girlfriend.
Have you ever been slapped?: Of course.
Do you get online a lot?: I do.
Are you shy or outgoing?: It all depends on who I'm with.
Do you shower?: Not as often as any decent human should.
Do you hate school?: Not really. I don't care enough to hate it.
Do you have a social life?: I'm always with at school, home, work, or at the Barn, which is like the teen center for outcasts.
How easily do you trust people?: Not easily at all.
Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing?: Probably not surprised. I'm rather predictable.
Would you ever sky dive?: I dunno. I might.
Do you like to dance?: Sometimes. It depends who I'm with.
Have you ever been out of state?: Yeah.
Do you like to travel?: It depends. I'm not a fan of car rides over an hour and a half long. It used to be longer, but now that I can drive myself places, my tolerance for lengthy car rides has greatly diminished. Flying I might be able to do. I'd love to go cross country if I were driving.
Have you ever been expelled from school?: No.
Have you ever been suspended from school?: Not yet.
Do you want to get out of your hometown?: Sometimes I think that maybe I don't, but the I open my eyes.
Are you spoiled?: I try not to think of it that way.
Are you a brat?: I have my moments.
Have you ever been dumped?: Not sure.
Have you ever gotten high?: Uh, I might have.
Do you like snapple?: *takes sip of Snapple iced tea* It's not my favorite, but it's in the house.
Do you drink a lot of water?: Not really. I get a bottle or two at school every day.
What toothpaste do you use?: I dunno. but it's yummy and minty.
Do you have a cell phone?: Yup.
Do you have a curfew?: ten. eleven if I beg and it's not a school night.
Who do you look up to?: A couple of my close friends, and my girlfriend. Maybe a teacher or two.
Are you a role model?: To some I may be. The truth is though: if anyone looks up to me as a role model, they don't actually know who I am as a person.
Have you ever been to Six Flags or Cedar Point?: Six Flags I think.
What name brand do you wear the most?: Tripp I suppose.
What kind of jewelry do you wear?: I used to wear some rings, but I hit things too often. I also usually wear a necklace or two, but my last surviving necklace broke about two months ago and I haven't found a replacement yet.
What do you want pierced?: I want to pierce my right eyebrow and get snake bites. plus maybe another cartilage but on the right ear this time.
Do you like taking pictures?: Yes I do.
Do you like getting your picture taken?: No I do not.
Do you have a tan?: Not at all.
Do you get annoyed easily?: I really really do.
Have you ever started a rumor?: I try not to breed immaturity.
Do you have your own phone or phone line?: My cell phone.
Do you have your own pool?: Nope.
Do you prefer boxers or briefs?: I wear both *giggle* uh.... if you mean on other people, then it really depends.
Do you have any siblings?: two half sisters, both quite a bit older than myself, and a sister who is 21.
Have you ever been played?: Sure.
Have you ever played anyone?: I don't think of it as that.
Do you get along with your parents?: Not at all.
How do you vent your anger?: In ways you would not approve of.
Have you ever run away?: Yup.
Have you ever been fired from a job?: No.
Do you even have a job?: Yes. I do.
Do you daydream a lot?: Constantly. Though I prefer to call it fantasizing.
Do you have a lot of ex's?: It depends on what qualifies as an ex.
Do you run your mouth?: Sure.
What do you want a tattoo of?: I don't know yet.
What do you have a tattoo of?: Nothing yet.
What does your ex bf/gf look like?: Pick one, you mean? Ok, uh, grey eyes, black hair, 6' and athletic with a lot of piercings.
What does your most recent crush look like?: Beautiful. 5' 9.5", brown hair, thin, grey/blue eyes, and hotter than any model to ever walk the Victoria's Secret runway.
Whats her/his name?: Brittany
Have you ever been bitched out?: Definitely.
Are you rude?: I can be.
What was the last compliment you received?: Uh.... "you're so hot" I think. *listens to crickets chirping*
Do you like getting dirty?: Only with Brittany.
Are you flexible?: Not at all. I can't even touch my toes.
What is your heritage?: Korean (when I'm with my sister's friends), African (when I'm at school), Irish (when I'm drunk), Italian (when I'm dangerous), Scottish (when I'm in German class), and a bunch more.
What is your lucky number?: Don't ask about numbers. You don't want to go there.
What does your hair look like right now?: I believe it's what people call "fro-tastic"
Could you ever be a vegetarian?: Probably, though I really dislike tofu. The thing is, I don't like meat very much so it wouldn't be too hard for me.
Describe your looks?: I'm short and fat, with frizzy short hair and a huge ghetto booty(not to mention thunder thighs).
If you had to completely dye your hair it'd be what color?: I want to do all black with red streaks.
Would you ever date someone younger than you?: I have, but I'm very content right now.
Would you ever date someone older than you?: uh... I am right now.
When was the last time you were drunk?: A very long time ago.
How many rings until you answer the phone?: It used to always be four rings, but now it just depends on who is calling.
Have you ever been skinny dipping?: Yup.
If yes, when was the last time?: Winter two years ago.
When was the last time you went on a date?: I don't do the whole dating thing. unless you mean.... COMMUNITY ROOM!
Do you look more like your mother or father?: Father, God damn him.
Do you cry a lot?: Not really.
Do you ever cry to get your way?: No.
What phrase do you use most when on the phone?: "What did you say?" or "huh?"
Are you the romantic type?: I actually am. Though a lot of people would never believe it.
Have you ever been chased by cops?: Yes I definitely have.
What do you like most about your body?: Nothing.
What do you like least about your body?: My thunder thighs.
When did you have your first crush?: Probably very early elementary school.
When was the last time you threw up?: HA! I think last week?
In the opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes?: Neither.
Do you ever wear shirts to show your belly?: No!
What about cleavage?: Rarely. Though I do have a shirt that friends have named "the cleavage shirt".
Is your best friend a virgin?: No.
Have you ever fucked someone up?: I might have.
Have you ever been fucked up?: I might have.
What theme does your room have?: None. Comfort is all I care about.
What size show do you wear?: I assume by "show" you mean "shoe" In that case it's between a 9 and an 11.
What is your screen name on AIM?: Why do you want to know?
How are you feeling right now?: Tired and worried. Stressed. also a little arrecha.
When was the last time you were at a party?: pretty recently.
Have you ever given a lapdance?: Get out of my business.
Have you ever recieved one?: ugh, bad memories.
Has there ever been a rumor spread about you?: A rumor? a single rumor?! Try like a thousand rumors.
What is one of your bad qualities?: I tend to get violent when provoked.
What is one of your good qualities?: I'm a fantastic lover. Only kidding folks. Uh, I'd say I'm very empathetic.
Would you marry for money?: Only if I had no other attachments and very litle money, and was beautiful, and had a way to kill off the bastard.
What do you drive?: Nissan Maxima "Caboose the Angry Warthog"
Are you more of a mommy's or daddy's child?: Fuck them both.
Would you ever hook up with the same sex?: I don't discriminate.
What kind of music do you like?: Pretty much anything.
Would you ever bungee jump?: I think I might.
What is your worst fear?: I don't know.
Would you ever join the army?: I used to really want to.
Do you like cows?: Quite a bit.
If you were to die today, what would you do?: Die.
If you had one last word to say to someone before you die, what would it be?: "Fuck-ass"
Do you like to party?: Sometimes.
Hearts or broken hearts?: Hearts and Broken hearts.
Moons or stars?: Neither.
Coke or pepsi?: I don't care.
Favorite scent?: Brittany. Hands down.
Favorite band?: None. I like too many to pick one.
Would you ever dye your hair red?: I don't know about just red. Black and red maybe. but just red, I dunno.
How many languages can you speak?: None. I still haven't mastered English.
What time are you finishing this?: 3:00
link2 comments|post comment

Some days, my soul's confined and out of mind, Some days, I'm so outshined and out of time. [Jan. 5th, 2008|11:25 pm]
[music |Have You Ever - The Offspring]

I can't do this anymore.
link1 comment|post comment

(no subject) [Dec. 29th, 2007|04:20 pm]
[Current Location |In a deep dark corner of my own memory]
[music |Chemistry of a Car Crash - Shiny Toy Guns]

I can't write. I hate it. It's like a piece of my body was cut off and I don't know where to look to get it back. If it is a leg: I cannot walk. If it is a mouth: I cannot eat. If it is my eyes: I cannot and will not sleep. I don't know what it is that I lost, but I think that if I don't get it back soon, I will not survive. I'm being pulled apart. Some kind of torture device is peeling back my eyelids so that I must watch my life become more and more dim around me. Something has me gagged so I can't cry out for help.

'"It's not fair" she cried, feeling like a small child; out of control and too small to be heard.
"You brought this upon yourself, Adelaide" slithered his words.
He walked to her and cupped her chin in his greasy, over sized hand.
"Please don't make me" she said quietly, "please".
"Now, what did I tell you about crying? I said not to do that, right? I said it makes me take longer. You remember me saying that, right?"
She sniffed, "Sorry".
"That's better, sweetheart."
He moved to her child-sized neck. His stubble and eyebrows irritated her young, pale, skin.
"You smell wonderful today, Adelaide. Very nice. Very nice."
She whimpered as his dry, cracked lips brushed by her ear and the moist corners of his mouth left a trail of spit against her cheek.
"Won't be long now. Why don't you go ahead and say what I taught you, Adelaide. Do you remember that word?"
She concentrated hard as a hot tear spilled down her cheek.
"P--p-p-p---please f---f------f-f--" she stuttered.
"Say it. Go ahead. You can do it. Just like I taught you."
"Fu---f-f-f-----fu--"
"Say it and this will be the last time. Go ahead, Adelaide. Go ahead."
"Please f-fuck m-m-me" cried the little girl, repeating the words she had been taught. She was now on her back, his head resting on her stomach, one hand on her collarbone, and his other hand between her legs.'
linkpost comment

Staying In My Head Hurts Too Much. I Have To Get Out. [Oct. 10th, 2007|06:32 pm]
[Current Location |Right. Like if you knew where I was you'd come save me? No.]

A Broken Vessel 10/10/07 6:12PM

A broken vessel
Inhaled too deep
A broken vessel
Just wanted to sleep

A broken promise
Of never again
A broken promise
Of when I said

I chose my fate
I told you the truth
I lied to myself
Now I'm lying to you

It wasn't a big deal
When it was just me
It wasn't a big deal
But now you can see

A broken vessel
Inhaled too deep
A broken vessel
Just wanted to sleep

A broken promise
Of never again
A broken promise
Of when I said

No lie is too little
To be counted as white
Don't listen to what I'm saying
It's probably not right

I've got no opinions
That came straight from me
I've never committed
To what I believe

And now...
You see...
A broken vessel
Inhaled too deep
A broken vessel
Just wanted to sleep

A broken promise
Of never again
A broken promise
Of when I said

A broken Vessel
Inhaled too deep
A broken vessel
Just wanted to sleep

Just wanted to sleep
Just wanted to sleep
Just wanted to sleep
Just wanted to sleep
linkpost comment

While The Heat From In Their pockets Could Burn Marks Into Their Legs [Oct. 3rd, 2007|05:45 pm]
[Current Location |I'm Going To Need A Map For This]
[music |Worked Up So Sexual by The Faint]

I kept waking up last night, I mean I barely slept, but for the little while I did, I couldn't stay asleep. Everytime I woke up I had the most intense feeling, like I was being smothered, choked by an invisible force. I hate choking. It reminds me of Him.
I remember when he broke his leg and I went over to his house and just lay on his bed in his room stroking his chest and trying to make him feel better. He was so sweet and so gentle. I remeber the way he was breathing that day. When I had first gotten there he was in a lot of pain (though he was too much of a man to ever admit that he felt... anything) and his breathing was slightly labored, like inhaling was hurting him. By the end of the night he had relaxed so much. He fell asleep with his head pressed against my chest and his breathing turned slow and deep. When I left that night he was still asleep and I just covered his with the old plaid blanket that always seemed to be just out of the wash. It smelled so clean, just like laundry.
I wondered if he would wake up in the middle of the night missing me or wondering where I'd gone. He never said anything though. I guess sometime after that, things started to change. I never really realized the change before but I dreamed last night in my small moments of subconcious slumber.
I dreamed of the things he started doing, saying, the way he began to look. He stopped shaving and grew some stubble. I didn't mind. I liked it in fact. But when I had suggested it before he said it was itchy to grow out and he didn't want to. Why did that change? He got a haircut too. I loved his hair the way it was before. He knew I did. I thought he liked it too. So why did he get it cut? When I asked he said his dad made him. I was at his house a week after he got the haircut and his dad came into the kitchen, ruffled his -now short- hair and asked him why he got it cut. Who gave him the idea to cut it, if not his dad? Better question: Why would he lie to me about something that small? He would go out at night and not message me until around three in the morning just to say sorry for missing me earlier and that he had seen a friend who came back to visit for the night. Or he had a test the next day and had done some studying at the library. I'm not that stupid. I know the library is not open at three AM. And how many of his friends came back to visit? Why always on a Wednesday?
I sometimes (ok always) think that maybe had I been more attentive, or more accepting, or maybe a little more giving things would have worked out better. I could have done something for him. I could have kept him interested. Right?
Why do I still think about what I could have done to keep Him happy when I have Her? She's more important to me than he ever was or ever could have been. She's the only thing in my world I need or want. She's so much more than I deserve.
Here's the thing: He was a mistake. I know that in my heart, I really do. Looking back on all the things he put me through, I know I couldn't have done anything so bad that he needed to do what he did.
She's my North Star, My Polaris. If ever I'm lost in one of the many constellations surrounding my unbearably angry and over-populated world, I can simply look to her and find my way home, into her arms, where I truly belong.
link1 comment|post comment

I Only Want You To See My Favorite Part Of Me And Not My Ugly Side [Oct. 1st, 2007|09:25 pm]
[Tags|]
[Current Location |The Bottom Of A Whiskey Bottle]
[music |Ugly Side by Blue October]

I'm tired. Tired in a way I have never been before. I can't describe it or explain it. I can't even figure out for myself what's going on to tell you the truth. I'm just so damn tired. Everything is so heavy. Life is so heavy. I'm so tired.
linkpost comment

Friend Of Mine [Sep. 2nd, 2007|09:24 pm]
[Tags|]
[Current Location |It's dark and smells like Febreze. Must be my room.]
[music |Middleman by Bright Eyes]

"Friend of mine
I should have watched more closely
As you went
Down the hill
I saw it happen
Slow motion in my mind
But only after
I watched as you fell

Friend of mine I know it seems too late
But reparations have to be made
And currently I see that you maybe needed me
Just as much as I now need you

But it seems as though
We’re stuck on a free-flow
There’s no turning back
No time to slow
Just heavy rain
With a soft hello
Ohohoh

Friend of mine I know you’re listening
Friend of mine I know you can hear
Friend of mine it’s for you these tears are falling, because
Friend of mine I think it’s my fault you’re not here."

Dedicated to Eric, who never got a chance to read this.
linkpost comment

Help I Have Done It Again. Lost Myself and I Am Nowhere To Be Found. [Aug. 31st, 2007|11:16 pm]
[Tags|]
[Current Location |In One of the Forever Faded Moments]

Every once in a while I get anxious. Actually I'm always anxious. Still, sometimes I get over-the-top anxious.
Let me see if I can give a few examples.
1. I love to climb. I always have. However, sometimes I find my self to be afraid of heights. A paralyzing fear that sweeps through the body, clearing any thought of reality or comfort from the mind.
2. Claustrophobia. First of all, this is not a pleasant type of anxiety. Everything gets closer and I feel like I'm being suffocated. Like I'm being buried alive.
3. No one wants to drown, but my mind has gone to such extremes as to cause me to have severe hydrophobia. I couldn't drink water. I was afraid it would go down my windpipe rather than my throat and I would experience a few moments of sharp pains ripping through my lungs before I became unconscious.




I woke up. I was drenched in sweat and asphyxiated and suffocated by an overwhelming metalic taste. Gagging and spitting, I ran to the bathroom, parted my lips in a kind of grimace, and looked in the mirror. What is this?They know. What is that blood-red liquid filling the back of my throat? The answer is in the question.
I'm still biting my tongue. I bit down in my sleep and my tongue got in the way. It's happened before but I don't think I'll ever get used to waking up with the sense of suffocation or drowning gurgling red at the back of my throat.
I guess I'll be sleeping on my side for a couple nights.
linkpost comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]